by Kelli on February 4, 2010
“Do stuff. Be clenched, curious. Not waiting for inspiration’s shove or society’s kiss on your forehead. Pay attention. It’s all about paying attention.
Attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. Stay eager.” – Susan Sontag
The way to pave a smooth transition to life in a new country is by building a support network and making friends. Back at home, you probably had many people to turn to for advice, support, or help in an emergency: friends, colleagues, neighbors, extended family, a religious community and so forth. As you adjust to a new place you must build a new support network.
A person who does this successfully is always someone who plays well with others. You should seek out people you enjoy and spend as much time as possible simply being friends.
This is the time to get out and find people to connect with in your new country. Find people who share your same passions and ideals.
Here are some tips and resources on how to get connected and make new friends:
- Make a list of items that you have wanted to do in your new host country and look for places that have local group activities or classes you could take.
- Look on the internet and in your local community center for gatherings or volunteer opportunities you can investigate and attend.
- Plan to attend at least one gathering this week, whether it is a nature walk, art class, informational meeting, sporting event or a lecture on a subject that interests you.
- Be an observer – Who are you drawn too? Now engage in conversation with people you are drawn to. You can always use the subject matter of the gathering as an easy conversation starter.
- Continue to find other gatherings to attend in different subject matters. An important note: always try and meet people who are hosts to the country you are residing in. While it is good to find groups from your original home country, it is important that you expand out and create a diverse friend base. These people can prove to be valuable information sources.
Here are some websites and places that my clients and I have found for support, gatherings and making new friends:
- One of my favorite websites is www.meetup.com . There’s probably a meeting on here for anything you can think of.
- Contact your Embassy for a list of events being held locally that you can attend.
- Take a course on a hobby you have always wanted to learn. I’ve found that www.hotcourses.com to be the most extensive list.
- Join an expatriate forum website to look for upcoming events. This is also a great way to provide support and make new friends with other expats who may be struggling. I use www.google.com. There are thousands of expat forums available to join which are free.
- Join a sports team, exercise group or join the gym.
- Join a congregation of your religious faith.
- Check your local borough or city council for upcoming events and classes.
- Join a volunteer organization or participate in a charity fundraiser or event. www.do-it.org.uk or www.volunteering.org.uk/
- Join a club that shares your interests.
- If you have young children, join a playgroup to meet other parents.
- Take a regional cooking class to learn how to prepare the local cusine.
- Tourists pay loads of money to get to where you now live – what do you most want to experience in your new host country? Perhaps you can attend historical sites, festivals, cultural events, craft markets, cultural music performances, and theatre. I like to use www.timeout.com to find local events.
So get out there and find your people. Please share below any tips and websites you have found helpful for finding organizations, classes, volunteer oportunities, etc to get connected.
In gratitude,
Kelli Douglas
by Kelli on December 7, 2009
Are you one of those people who has a hard time saying “no”? Do you go to extremes to make sure everyone around you is happy and everyone is in perfect harmony? I just ran across this wonderful fable which is such a great lesson and reminder that I had to blog about it:
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who
remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed
positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.” They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well . . .
Kiss your ass goodbye
There is a great misconception among people who try to please everyone and it is: We are just good people who are trying to make everybody happy.
We can tell ourselves that our pleasing is due to our concern for others’ happiness and well being, but the truth of the matter is that we are concerned with the way others perceive us. We live our lives totally worried about what others think about us, instead of listening to what our essential self wants. We continue to ignore our own desires and passions and continue to seek approval, love, joy and happiness outside ourselves. As a result, we tend to say yes to everything, rarely stick up for ourselves and then become angry when other’s don’t stroke our egos with kind words of praise on how absolutely amazing and wonderful we are. Pretty ugly, eh?
I do feel that giving to others to increase others happiness is a wonderful thing to do if you are giving out of a real desire to help some without an attachment to how they perceive you. You must give from your authentic self out of love. It is most important to care for yourself first and then give to others freely without any expectations of being seen as the most wonderful thing since sliced bread. Do you give of yourself out of love and authenticity or are you expecting alcolades of love and appreciation?
Are you a people pleaser?
- Someone who says yes, even when their mind says no.
- Someone who begins most sentences with “I should” or “I ought”
- Someone who cringes at the first sign of friction.
- Someone who is devastated when they think someone doesn’t like them.
- Someone who would rather feel personal pain than displease another.
- Someone who is willing to fail in the name of pleasing another.
- Someone who is not willing to speak up for themselves.
- Someone who loses sleep over the slightest altercation with another.
- Someone who feels out of control when they think another human being may disagree with what they’re doing.
- Someone who has lost their own sense of unique personality and belief
- Someone who starts to see their desire to please others as a separate part of themselves. Separate from the rest of who they are as an individual.
Did you answer “yes” to many of these questions? If so, read on for some great tips on how to please yourself and give to others without the attactment of a specific outcome:
Top Tips on How to Stop People Pleasing
- Just Say NO – Guess what, when you say “no” people are not thinking about you as much as you think. There’s little reason to worry about how they have perceived your NO. Here’s the great news: In most cases, people move on to find someone else to help them. They really give little thought to your inability to help them.
- Listen to what your body is saying to you – If you’ve been asked to help someone and your body immediately feels like it’s been chained to a wall and you feel panicky, listen to what your body is saying. Your body, not your mind, is the best place to go to listen to your essential self. It doesn’t lie. It will tell you if you should take action or politely turn down the request for help. Your mind will tell you lies about how the other person will interpret your refusal of help. Note that these are just stories your past life experiences tell you. It does not mean that these thoughts are true.
- Calm your fears – What’s the absolute worst that can happen if you say no? By asking yourself this question and doing some inquiry into your fears, you can find the painful belief that you have been telling yourself. Fearful thoughts are caused by lack of knowledge. By doing a bit of mental investigating you can calm your fears. You might be afraid that no one will like you, that someone will leave you, or that you will be left all alone if you don’t do what someone wants. That is a prison you have trapped yourself in, and it’s time to unlock the doors and walk out! The people around you may be used to your compliance, but if they’re not willing to accept that you have your own needs, are they really worth having in your life?
- Stay in your own business – It is not your responsibility to make everyone else happy. By realizing this and focusing your energy on your own happiness, you automatically become a great example of love and kindness. Here’s a great mantra to live by from one of my mentor’s Byron Katie: “Remember: There are only three types of business in the universe: mine, yours and God’s(anything outside your control). Much of our stress comes from living outside our business. If you are living your life and I am mentally living your life, who is here living mine? We’re both over there. Being mentally in your business keeps me from being present in my own. I am separate from myself, wondering why my life doesn’t work. To think that I know what is best for anyone else is to be out of my business. Even in the name of love, it’s pure arrogance, and the result is tension, anxiety, and fear. Do I know what is right for myself? That is my only business. Let me work with that before I try to solve your problems for you.”
- Quit looking to others for appreciation and attention – There’s nothing wrong with a little appreciation and attention..heck we’re human…everyone loves a little ego boost. The problem is when you look for the majority of your selfworth from outside yourself. By looking to others for love and appreciation you are not leading your life, you are letting the external circumstances of your life lead you.
- Stop basing your self-worth on how much you do for other people. It’s noble to want to help others, but it’s something you should do because you want to, not because you feel you have to. The greatest acts of kindness are those done by choice, not out of fear or guilt. If you’re doing things for others because you would feel bad if you didn’t, is the action really genuine? Would you want others to help you under those terms? And, if you’re helping others to such an extent that you are neglecting yourself, is that really wise?
- Compromise. While it’s not good to be a pushover, it’s no better to be a manipulative bully or a reckless rebel. Don’t become totally selfish. In fact, many people pleasers have low self-esteem. So do those who are selfish. Whenever there’s a conflict of desires, try to come up with a solution that will meet both desires halfway, or better yet, a “win-win” situation where both sides get even more than they bargained for.
- Don’t Assume that you are the best person to come to the rescue – By saying no to someones’ request for help when you really aren’t wanting to help lets the “right person for the job” come along to help. By letting those that are best able and willing to show up to the situation becomes a win – win for everyone. By saying no you might just be allowing a better abled person help.
- Ask for what you want. If everybody’s going to dinner together and most people in the group want to eat at a particular restaurant, but you’d rather eat something else, speak up! There’s nothing wrong with voicing your opinion. You are expressing your individuality with your own preferences. Ultimately, you must remember that no one can read your mind. If you feel that you do so much for others, but they don’t do anything for you, maybe it’s because you don’t express your needs or desires. It’s not fair to make people pry an answer from you. If they ask you what you want, or if there’s a decision being made, give your opinion.
- Consider the source. Many people pleasers were raised in environments wherein their needs and feelings were pushed aside and not considered important. Were you always expected to mold yourself to everyone else’s needs? Did you learn that the only way to receive a positive response was to do what others wanted you to do? If so, here’s a newsflash: Not all the world wants a pushover. By focusing the majority of your decisions and actions based on pleasing others, you open yourself up to manipulation and abuse. You will never reach your potential as an individual if you constantly hide behind others’ expectations.
If you find yourself compromising your own needs, be aware that in the long run you compromise your ability to help others as well. Taking care of yourself prevents you from burning out. Remind yourself that by making choices that are good for you, you will have enough energy to do good for others.
Being kind and being a people pleaser are two different things. To disagree with someone does not mean you are being mean or disrespectful. It is perfectly acceptable to state your preferences in a kind manner. Standing up for yourself is not selfish or wrong – it is the way to express your true individuality.
Some people may take time to adjust to the new you – don’t apologize for being you, but be gentle with them! People are conditioned to you acting in a certain way. When you change your behaviors, no matter how small, people may feel threatened by the new you. You are not acting in a way they expected…how dare you! he he he. Be patient with them and they will calm down. Just as you are capable of understanding that change is nothing to fear, others will come to realize this in time.
Remember:
If you try to please everyone, you might as well . . .
Kiss your ass goodbye
We’d love to hear how you are succeeding in being authentic and true to your own likes and desires. Please share your thoughts and helpful tips below in our comments.
With gratitude,
Kelli
